Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his
wife on her knees giving his best friend oral sex. After a few seconds, he
does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into
the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says,
"By the way, I want a divorce."
Girlfriends are like credit cards, you can't get one unless you already have
one.
1. We know stuff about tanks
2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase
3. We can open all our own jars
4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group
5. We don't have to learn to spell a new last name
6. We can leave a motel bed unmade
7. We can kill our own food
8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
9. Wedding plans take care of themselves
10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our
friend
11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack
12. If you are 34 and single nobody notices
13. Everything on our faces stays the original color
14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough
15. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming
16. Car mechanics tell us the truth
17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without
thinking, "He must be mad at me."
18. Same work-more pay
19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character
20. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little
gift.
21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just
might become lifelong friends
22. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
23. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors
24. We almost never have a "strap problem" in public
25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes
26. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades
27. We don't have to shave below the neck
28. A few belches are expected and tolerated
29. Our belly usually hides our big hips
30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
31. We can do our nails with a pocketknife
32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache
33. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day
before Christmas and in 45 minutes
1. The Tonya Tapper - A personal security steel club named after the
notorious skater; suitable for all knee whacking purposes.
2. Sweet Jesus Chocolate - Tasty milk chocolate crucifix candies that
ooze red jelly when bitten.
3. Insecticide Pantyhose - Bug resistant pantyhose sure to repel
spiders, cockroaches, [and probably dates.]
4. Artificial Spray-On Dirt - For the yuppie whose tired of looking
wussyfied in his luxury S.U.V. This is sure to provide that rugged four-
wheeling look.
5. Drive-Through Window at Funeral Homes - For the more somber drive-
by.
6. .45 Semiautomatic Telephone - A novelty phone sure to please the
darkest sense of humor. The caller must hold the gun against their
head to make a call; let the fun begin.
7. Bird Diaper - For Polly when potty training is not an option.
8. Snif-T-Panties - Women's underwear with built in fragrance to
capture the right mood; scents include rose, banana, pickles, pizza
and, of course, whiskey.
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers
and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies
and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you
prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a
case of Tequila."
This soldier had been stationed overseas and was fooling around on his wife. She was back home in the states. She found out about it through some anonymous letters.
The soldier gets a package from his wife. He finds inside a batch of home-made cookies and a video tape of his favourite stateside TV shows. He invites a couple of buddies over to watch the tape. They're all having a great time eating the cookies and watching episodes of South Park.
Right in the middle of one episode, the tape cuts to a home video of the soldier's wife on her knees giving the soldier's best friend a blow job.
After a few seconds, his best friend ejaculates and she turns... on camera, and spits it right into... a mixing
bowl of cookie dough.
The wife then looks right into the camera and says, 'I want a divorce.'
********************************
Top 10 Signs George "Dubya" Bush is Underqualified
10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
9. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing."
8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy."
7. Outstanding record as Governor of Texas nullified by the fact that no one really cares.
6. Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.
5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"
4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"
3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.
2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"
...and the Number 1 sign your presidential candidate is under-qualified
1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.
*************************
You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL,LOL".
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
Have a great summer...or Winter depending on what hemisphere in which your are located!
The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms
out of the ground.
The potatoes cook underground, and all you have
to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter,
salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice
to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with
water.
You can say 113 degrees without fainting.
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good
branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a
bit chilly.
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers
to drive your car.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through
your car window.
You notice the best parking place is determined
by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation,
and not one person is out on the streets.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside
at 7:30 a.m. before work.
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in
a car or not having air conditioning.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get
knocked out and end up lying on the pavement
and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would
rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it -- but
for my 7-year-old."
"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."